Change

Everyday, I find myself so stupid and dumb. I make stupid decisions, faults and other matters, frustrating as it is but I admit, every night before I go to sleep, I always think about how I spent my day, and I find it so pathetic for my self and frustrating too because I wasted lots of opportunities, wasted too much time for nothing and the fact that I'm getting older but still I had less achievements. Yeah right, I'm not born with a silverspoon in my mouth, my freedom was taken away from me, I have to watch my moves every now and then because my family always look at me negatively. Yes, I'm not perfect, I am wild, I am rebellious, I am stupid and dumb and lazy and all, but behind those adjectives that people described me, behind it are the deepest hurts, frustrations, depressions, negativism of my mind, negative outlook in life and tears that I hid behind their backs; my bed, my pillows, my room and GOD are the only witness of my frustrations, confessions of my sins and all the crazy stuff that I've been doing. My parents think of me like I think of myself as perfect, they thought I don't listen to their advices and they look at me like I am always a rebellious child, but then they just don't realize, my heart is pure to help them in everything, I listen to their advices but I do absorb them discreetly, I am not rebellious, I just wanted to experience life at its fullest, I know what I'm doing, I am capable of my actions, of my sins and all the errors that I have been doing. I know... I know... 'Coz I am always being reminded by them everynight, before I go to sleep, they even haunt me in my dreams, even in the busy day of my life, I am reminded by it. GOD knows that I am totally a sinner, I am not perfect and I kept on committing the same mistakes over and over again, but I do confess my sins before GOD, I acknowledge my sins before HIM and asks forgiveness from HIM. But one thing they don't know, I listen to them, and that my heart is pure and true and sincere.

How can they see the change in me when they look at me negatively? How can I prove to them that I really changeD? Sometimes, I chose to be silent rather than talk, but lately, I chose to talk rather than to be silent because with all the hurts and pain that I have within me, I am already bombarded with it, my heart is too heavy and sometimes talking back finds relief, 'coz even if they don't listen to me and the words that I am saying to them, but at least I was able to express how I feel towards them and defending my self, is somehow the only way for me to regain strength after everything.

I am sorry for my dear parents and my siblings whom I have caused pain. I admit I made a lot of mistakes to you guys but then, if you guys only knew, I've been regretting all those, I listen to your advices, but in return, just please take time to listen to me. Just listen, I won't beg you to trust me, take good care of me, understand me, but just listen., only listen. I'm fine with it. I am sorry, I am not perfect, I am rebellious and I want my freedom. That's all..