Paranoid.. Jealousy.. Secrets... and Lie

Yesterday, I was being paranoid. For some reasons, there's something that he did that made me suspect him. You see, I tweeted last time and I told the whole world that I'll trust him, that I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But then, everyday, I'm trying to be true to my word. It's a constant struggle within myself. I can't tell him, no, that's not gonna happen anymore. I'd rather keep it to myself rather than being paranoid about those stuff which drives me mad. But then, just yesterday, when I went home after work, as usual I'll catch him sleeping. And so, just like a normal routine, I put down my bag to the floor, lay down beside him and either hug him, kiss him or tickle his nipples. And so, I did my normal habit, I did all of it. I thought he'll be mad for doing such 'coz the last time I remember he was pissed 'coz he's still sleepy and I've been teasing him but then yesterday, he seemed to be so relax, I even kissed his forehead and whispered slowly "Tuko ka?" in English, "Are you mad?" but then he said no, he's still sleepy and he asked a favor to just hug him and stay beside him. And so I did, but then few minutes after, I had the urge to rush down to the comfort room, the call of nature was really urgent. Anyways, after the success, I changed my clothes, turned on the computer and play my favorite game Bounce Blitz.

After 1 hour: There was a vibrating beep, and when I checked it, it was my phone, I have a text. The text came from myglobe rewards, so I hastily deleted it. And then, it made me wonder where his phone was. I couldn't see it and it is not visible within my area. So I sneaked out, looking for his phone.

Looking... Searching.. Where is that? Hmmm.. Looking. Searching........................ Exhausted

And then, I gave up. I couldn't find it. I was really upset to myself. I wouldn't invade his privacy 'coz I told him I'll give him space but then I was suspecting why is he hiding it from me? A lot of things and reasons are debating in my mind, my heart is beating faster, then I asked myself... Why? Well, I never had answers, so I kept myself distracted by playing. But still, no matter how I told myself not to think of it, the more it got worst 'coz I remembered he signed on to unlimited texting. The more it made me suspect, my mind's been wandering and thoughts popping out my furious mind. I couldn't concentrate. So I lay down beside him, I was catching my breath and I was trying to calm my worried heart.

Its as much as I want to wake him up and confront him but then I couldn't. No words are coming out of my mouth. I can't utter a single word nor I can't dare touching him. I tried holding my emotions, I was totally drain, I was too weak physically and dying emotionally. Hours past....
He then woke up, he then gave me something and its a food. He knew it was my weakness. Then we talked, but the talk was not about looking for his phone, but it was about how his shift turned out. After 30 minutes of talking, he decided to sleep again and told me to wake him up by 6pm in our laptop's time. I was wondering, why in the world is he using the laptop's time when in fact he usually keeps track of time using his phone. And then I could no longer hold on to it so I asked him, "Ming, why are you basing it on the laptop's time? Why not in your phone? And by the way, where is your phone?" That's it. He then exclaimed, "Oh my cellphone" then rushed to his shorts that he used earlier before going to sleep. Then I teased him. And then he was denying that he didn't do anything, so to prove the guilt, he opened his phone, and I tried to close my eyes, hid my face under the pillow so as not to see him browsing his phone. But then, he forced me to take a look at it while scrolling his messages and his history. He then said, "You see? I didn't texted her. I didn't do anything." And there...

That time, when I was able to prove myself that there was nothing going on, I felt relax and calm. My heart beat went back to normal and I was already at the normal state. He then kissed me and slept.

I was so silly, jealous and in short paranoid. I just can't explain why am I feeling this way. I know I judged the girl but its just that her actions proves me. I know how it feels coz I'm a girl too. Even before, he never hid anything from me, but then when this girl came, he seems to be so guilty, his actions are very suspecting, and a simple text from the girl would excite him. He even hid from me all their texts, I mean, I need not to read their text messages, but then there was a time when he was sleeping and his phone was vibrating 'coz there was a message, so I read it with no intentions, 'coz I've been thinking maybe its urgent or an emergency, so I read it. But then, the girl replied while he was asleep. It then made me look back his recent text, but then I can't find any text from him in his sent items, neither in the inbox and since I'm used to in my phone, I search the history and found out that they were texting all day long and then we had a big fight at that night that we were about to break up. But then we talked it over and were able to settle it.

There you go... Its no wonder why we are still together. And right now, I'm still observing him.

Let's sit, and wait patiently. And let's see for ourselves what will happen.. Good luck to me!

PS: Good thing, blog sites were created, it is through blogging where I can pour my heart out and where I can share my feelings without being judged.

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