That's why I survived despite the everyday problems that I have

Thank YOU LORD!!

Dear GOD

I feel so disturbed these days. I just don't know how to explain it in the right way. I'm confused. I've been thinking a lot of things lately. By the way, I thank you for our date last Sunday, I'm so happy to be with you, I was able to talk to you, we sung praise and worship songs together, and we rejoiced, and the burden in my heart was kinda lessen. I know that you are the answer from the start, I know just by talking to you these burden of mine will be lessen. Life is tough but even though how tough life is, you were always there for me. I know I did a lot of mistakes but still you helped me. I'll never stop thanking you for all that you've done to me. I also pray to those people that surrounds me, may you help them and guide them too, may you hear their prayers as well (I know you too blessed them). Thank you LORD.

Anyways, yesterday, I went shopping but sad to say, I wasn't able to buy something for myself. I bought 1 Polo for mingming and 1 white formal shoes, 1 polo top for Jacob, 1 white top for Mye, 1 fashionista top for mama and 1 Polo shirt for papa. I'm glad 'coz at long last I was able to buy something for them even though I wasn't able to buy something for myself. Now, my problem is about money. Lord, I know that you know that mingming doesn't have a work, I'm worried 'coz I'm the one who financed our everyday needs. I'm not really blaming him for what he did 'coz its not his fault but its a burden in my part. For 6 months working as a call center agent, still I wasn't able to save and buy a lot of things for myself, its either him, them or us no ME. :(

Sad to say, this shouldn't be happening in the first place, 'coz he's the guy, of course he's supposed to be the one who will finance everything or should be both shared by us, but it turned out to be the opposite. But I know, that there should be an equal sharing, fair square. But that never happened.. :(

Got to move on. Everyday, I blamed myself why I let it happened. But there's nothing I can do. Past is past and we can never bring back history. They say, learn from your mistakes, but for me? It doesn't really apply that much, 'coz I keep on comitting the same mistakes over and over without learning from them.

I'm so sorry.. I love you LORD. I love you with all my heart. The problem here is that I'm loving too much that it already hurts. +_+


I know you love me
XOXO -

Does forever exist?

Looking at this one, I wonder is there such thing as forever? Just wondering. I mean can we love a person forever? Just curious though

Too sad to be true

And finally, the moment of truth, the result of the board exam for Nursing for November 2009 has already been released. Thanks to Kaye, who tagged some of her friends in the Facebook that made me aware that the results has already been released. And so, without further hesitations, I rushed my self to the PRC site and went to the letter S in which it is arranged alphabetically, and then excited to see somehow the name of my best bud, but when I was almost there, when I saw a surname almost near to her surname too, I felt warm, my excitement was replaced with frown and I felt goosebumps, I was starring at the pc screen like a comatose patient, I couldn't move any muscles in my body, I couldn't speak nor utter a single word. I was totally down and I realize that I was shaking. I just don't know what to say. Instead of starring at it the whole hour, I jumped from another page to see if my other 2 friends were there, but unfortunately, neither of them passed too. I was so shocked. I just don't know what to say, what to react. A lot of things been bugging me like what should I do? Should I comfort them now? Or is it better to comfort them later knowing that they've been having a tough time at the very moment? Should I text or chat? Or send message perhaps? I was really really having a hard time trying to figure out what to do. And then in an instant, I checked my friend's YM and found out that's she's not online but she logged on to SMS.

So I sent her a message and my message was kinda weird in a way that I sounded I-don't-know but its really weird and here's how my message goes: "Hey best bud (name), I miss you so much... Feel free to visit me here, to unwind yourself at least at this very moment. Let's have fun, I know its just a temporary escape but at least you get to relieve yourself with all the stress that you are facing right now. Just a couple of days will do. I'm here... Though I'm not there to comfort you physically but be strong. I miss you and love yah best bud (name) always.. **** message sent ******

And there was my text. And then, to my surprise she replied and here's here reply:
"Hey tahl. You don't have to worry about me, I'm not alone, there are many of us who failed. hehehe.. Don't worry, you've comforted me already even if it's just like this. I'm ok. I miss you. Love yah.

And those were the last exchange of messages. Even up to now, I just don't know how to comfort her, I mean I can only imagine how hard it is for her or them, I've never been in that situation so I can't really say that it's ok 'coz it was never okay to fail nor its never good to say ok 'coz honestly its not. And that's it.. Even up to now.. I feel sad for them....

UPSET!

I'm upset and frustrated. Frustrated for a fact that the next leave will be for June and upset for a fact that my team is selfish, they've been getting all the leave slots and they have this policy for our our LOB that one agent per day only. OMG! That's why, its as much as I want to go back home, I just can't because the leave are first come first serve. Sorry but I am so upset. I wanted to resign but at the same time, its not advisable because I still have lots of priorities and I have lots of responsibilities to take care, I have to pay for the credit card, my needs, my wants and a lot more. I'm so upset... I'm grinding my teeth now and I so wanted to punch everyone out. Seeing their faces makes me feel upset even more, I want to go home now.

On the other end, I know its my fault in the first place. I shouldn't be here working but rather in Cebu. If not for my stupid decision to go here and be independent. Life here is really tough and independent life is really not that easy. I so wanted to go home, if not for my priorities

I wouldn't be here now. It sucks! Grrrrr.....

Anyways, I miss a lot of events in Cebu. Wayback January 17th, I missed the Sinulog fun, I miss my family, I missed the event when my dog gave birth, I missed when Booky knew how to bark already, I missed the changes in our house and the renovation, I miss my friends, hanging out and bond with them, our late night gimmicks, I miss staying up late in my room, I miss everyone out and to top it all, I badly miss Cebu.

I wish I can go home anytime soon.. :( I so wanted to go home.. I'm dying to be back home.. :(

And I'm closing my doors for possibilities that I'll be able to go back home, because there are no slots for leave already and there is no way for me to use all my leave slots because its good as thank you for that. Stupid! I know there are no space for possibilities and I'm being pessimistic about it because it is sooo true. Over my dead body.

I'm too upset to say goodbye.. Grrrr